


Five Times Crowley Tried to get Laid and the One Time He Did

by thisuserhasleftthechat (justapasserbyhere)



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Humor, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sexual Humor, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 17:33:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19114456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justapasserbyhere/pseuds/thisuserhasleftthechat
Summary: During a drunken night Aziraphale mentions he'd like to discover what sex is like sometime. Crowley absolutely loses it trying to be the person Aziraphale would like to fuck.





	Five Times Crowley Tried to get Laid and the One Time He Did

**Author's Note:**

> Haha, this was so fun to write! I just wanted to write something really humorous for once. This idea came to me randomly and I immediately had to write it. Hope you enjoy!

Crowley was sitting down in his apartment, legs crossed and lost in thought. Recently he and Aziraphale had gotten drunk to the point they were barely lucid, and Aziraphale had said some  _ less than angelic _ things.

Sitting by himself in his room, his face flushed immodestly as he remembered the words his angel had drunkenly whispered to him. His body squirmed fretfully as he could still remember Aziraphale's breath against his cheek. He had the desperate idea to just pleasure himself and continue with his life, but his body had other plans.

He knew he wouldn't feel satisfied until he had Aziraphale over him, fucking him like he'd suggested just the other night. Crowley had only mentioned something about the insatiable lust humans felt for one another, when Aziraphale was suddenly whispering secretively into his ear that it was something he'd like to try sometime.

He'd then giddily wandered away, going for the food Crowley had miracled for him. Leaving Crowley confused, wanting, and extremely horny.

Apparently Aziraphale didn't remember that particular conversation, because the next day he was all buddy-buddy as if he hadn't just wrecked Crowley's entire existence. It drove him mad, which was starting to lead to some particularly rubbish ideas.

He didn't believe any of them would actually work, but he was getting desperate. Everytime he was around the angel he couldn't help but imagine certain  _ things _ and would end up checking out for the rest of their conversation.  He'd decided. He was going to get Aziraphale to fuck him.

***

It started out simple, he decided if he made himself look desirable enough his angel would have to go from him. He was wearing jeans so tight they accentuated nicely every part of his lower body. While his shirt was something frilly he thought the angel would like, with an open v-neck that showed his bare skin.

To top it off he'd made his hair longer and had put it in a half-bun, reading somewhere in some saucy magazine that men liked something to tug on.

He sauntered around as he headed for the bookshop, sneering at the looks humans were giving him. He'd dressed this way specifically for Aziraphale, not for the vices of some random men and women.

As he reached the door to the bookshop, he slammed in open. Standing haughtily in the doorway as Aziraphale stood up surprised.

"Hey, Angel," he voiced, staring down at his hand as if he was uninterested. He looked over to Aziraphale, who'd started to head over to him.

"That's a new look for you," Aziraphale commented as he walked over with a smile, and Crowley tried to keep his thoughts at bay.

"Just tryin' something new," Crowley replied as he leaned against the doorframe, his shirt riding up his side the slightest bit.

"Did you need something?" Aziraphale asked curiously as Crowley continued to try and tempt him, frowning when the angel remained the same as ever.

"Damn it," he said instead of replying, and promptly left the store, leaving a bewildered Aziraphale.

***

Crowley's first attempt hadn't worked out, but he had another plan now. He'd been doing his research, and had found out sex occurs more often when you're using every moment to touch your partner. Touching them allows them to know you're up for more intimate affairs, at least that's what he'd read.

Every time he'd seen Aziraphale the past couple days he'd found a way to touch him somehow. Whether it was wiping a stray piece of food from his chin, or brushing his hand against the angel's when passing him something, he used every opportunity to his advantage.

Tonight he was sitting in Aziraphale's loft as they once again drank the night away. They were sitting on a couch, and Crowley saw it as a good opportunity to get closer. He slowly laid his head against Aziraphale's shoulder, and practically melted into his side.

"Crowley?" Aziraphale questioned, turning to him. He may be more drunk than he thought, because his entire body was now practically in Aziraphale's lap.

"Angel," he breathed as he leaned into him, and Aziraphale didn't move an inch.

"Crowley?" Aziraphale questioned again, sounding bewildered, and the demon realized he was too drunk to control his actions and sobered himself in an instant.

"Fuck," he voiced as his head spun, inching back from his angel.

"Are you okay, Crowley?" Aziraphale asked as he looked down at him worriedly, and Crowley groaned. He'd practically thrown himself at the angel and he still didn't look phased in the slightest.

"Fine, just fine," Crowley replied as he held his face in his hand, feeling ashamed, "I think I'm going to head out for the evening."

"So soon?" Aziraphale questioned, and Crowley stared at him. This angel really let nothing trouble him.

"I forgot, have something important to do tomorrow. Need to prepare," Crowley said hastily as he sprung up and headed for the stairs.

"Alright, well. Don't be a stranger," Aziraphale fondly responded as Crowley practically tripped in his haste to leave. His heart beat erratically at he envisioned the serene smile on his angel's face.

This had been another failure, but Crowley was blessed if he was going to give up yet.

***

Crowley waited a week before deciding to try out his latest scheme. He'd planned a movie night with Aziraphale, and was eager for it to begin. What he hadn't told Aziraphale is that instead of playing a normal movie for their night, he'd went out and bought some incredibly raunchy pornography.

He read watching it could increase the chance of having sex, and he was starting to get a little desperate. He straightened himself out in his mirror as he prepared for the night, before grabbing up the pornography and miracling over to Aziraphale's.

Aziraphale was waiting jovily on his couch when he arrived, smiling excitedly as Crowley sauntered over to him.

"What did you bring?" He asked as Crowley sat down beside him.

"Something we haven't seen before," Crowley replied cryptically, miracling the tapes into Aziraphale's VCR and leaning back.

The tapes started out with a man who appeared to be sick. The production was absolute rubbish, and Crowley almost chuckled at it. Before long another man came dressed as a doctor, and diagnosed the original man with a sickness that could only be cured by his dick.

"Oh, dear," Aziraphale exclaimed as the men suddenly ripped their clothes off, "That doesn't seem like a plausible way to cure someone's sickness."

Crowley lost it at that, chuckling and holding onto his angel as he watched Aziraphale's expression finally change from his calm demeanor.

"What kind of movie is this?" He asked bewildered as he stared entranced at the screen.

"The kind humans like to watch before getting down to their own business," Crowley replied as he grinned as Aziraphale's mild confusion.

"Why would they need to watch something first?" He asked as he tilted his head at the screen, "Especially with such a low production value."

"Beats me, Angel," Crowley responded, turning to Aziraphale and freezing at the look on his face.

"You're trying to prank me again, aren't you?" He asked with a smile as he looked to Crowley. Crowley completely froze, and his mind went blank for a second.

"Ah, you caught me, Angel," Crowley voiced as he splayed out his hands in a shrug, "I just wanted to see the face you'd make if I showed you."

"Oh, Crowley," Aziraphale replied with warmth in his voice, staring at him for what seemed like several seconds too long. His heart began to beat as his angel continued to stare, and he looked away quickly before his face began to flush.

"Why don't we watch one of those "rom-coms" instead?" Aziraphale asked as Crowley desperately avoided looking at him, "I'm sure it'll be much more emotionally fulfilling than this movie."

"Do what you want," Crowley blurted still looking away, only to nearly jump out of his skin as Aziraphale put an arm around him. He went to ask what he was doing but his voice died as Aziraphale gave him a beaming smile.

Tonight wasn't exactly what he expected, but he'd let that go for just one night.

***

A few days after the pornography incident, Crowley was back at it again with the plans. He'd run out of material to read from magazines, so it was now up to him to formulate ideas.

He'd thought about it for awhile, when he came up with a truly foolish plan. Aziraphale was always going on and on about his love of food, so what if…? He quickly miracled a notebook and pen before himself, and began to scribble furiously. Mind set on a plan that could only go horribly wrong.

***

After several days Crowley finally decided to put his plan in action. He'd gone all around town buying Aziraphale's favorite foods, and now had them all in his apartment. He stripped down to his trousers as he miracled a table into his room, and layed down on it.

Once he was on the table he miracled all the food around and on top of him. Finally, he picked up his phone and called Aziraphale.

"Hello!" Aziraphale answered happily, "What can I do for you today, Crowley?"

"I have a surprise for you," he replied as he looked down to the food across his body, "Meet me at my place."

"What's the surprise?" Crowley heard as Aziraphale was suddenly stepping in through the foyer. He stopped and stared bemused as he reached the table.

"Crowley...what is this?" He questioned as he gestured him to.

"Just thought our friendship could use some spicing up," Crowley responded nonchalantly as Aziraphale slowly crept forward.

"Oh! These are my favorites," Aziraphale exclaimed as he reached the table, completely bypassing Crowley's nearly naked form.

"They're for you," Crowley responded as he laid his head back dejected. He really should've known food would garner more attention than himself. He planned to move the food and get up when Aziraphale was reaching down and grabbing the cake he'd strewn across his chest.

His mind blanked out when the angel then went back for some frosting that had fallen off, brushing against his sensitive chest in the process.

"Why are you pretending to be a table?" Aziraphale questioned as he munched unphased on the cake, "Surely you could've just used the actual table. You're messing with me again, aren't you?"

"Caught me," Crowley replied, face flushed and feeling breathless. Aziraphale stared at him for much too long once again, before setting his cake down.

"I- I just remembered something, I have to go," he announced abruptly, disappearing before Crowley even had the chance to respond.

"You're welcome," Crowley voiced sarcastically to himself, slamming his head back against the table as he accepted that he was an idiot.

***

Crowley was losing it, he just couldn't think of a way to get Aziraphale to want to do him. As he paced around, he eventually ended up in front of Aziraphale's store and he desperately slammed the door open.

"Crowley-" Aziraphale started as he looked over to him, but Crowley quickly interrupted.

"WE SHOULD FUCK!" He yelled loud enough that everyone on the street could hear him, yet Aziraphale still looked confused.

"What?" The angel questioned, and Crowley realized what he had done and quickly backed out of the store.

"Crowley!" He heard Aziraphale yelling after him, but he vanished before he could be reached.

***

It'd been a week since Crowley had seen Aziraphale. In his absolute mortification he'd been steadily avoiding the angel at all costs. Whenever the angel would show up he'd quickly disappear, unable to face him.

He was sitting on his windowsill, staring angrily at his plants, when he felt someone materialize in front of him. He yelped as he was pulled up into a hug, and stared bemused as Aziraphale held him.

"Don't leave," Aziraphale voiced as he began to pull away, and he instantly stilled.

"I'd been wondering why you've been acting so strange lately," Aziraphale spoke gently as he held onto Crowley, "To think it was about something so simple."

"Simple?!" Crowley wheezed as he stared wildly at Aziraphale, but the angel merely smiled at him.

"When I made that statement," Aziraphale started and Crowley  _ reeled _ because Aziraphale  _ remembered _ , "The person I was thinking about trying things with was you. To think that you also wanted to do it, it's just-"

Aziraphale didn't get to finish as Crowley slammed him into the wall and kissed him desperately. Aziraphale quickly responded, and Crowley felt like he was melting.

"All this time you wanted to fuck me," Crowley muttered half hysterically as he briefly pulled away.

"I'd prefer to call it making love," Aziraphale quipped and Crowley instantly went back to kissing him.

As his hands went up and down Aziraphale's sides and he began to tug at his shirt, Crowley felt his angel pull away.

"What-?" He tried to ask but his mind was in a daze.

"We should go to my place, I have a bed there," Aziraphale quickly explained, and before he could even find his bearings he was falling back onto Aziraphale's bed.

Without thinking he made his hair longer, and Aziraphale stared at him confused.

"Gives you something to tug on," he explained insensibly, and Aziraphale laughed heartily.

"You've been planning this for awhile, haven't you?" Aziraphale questioned, smiling warmly.

"You don't know the half of it," Crowley groaned.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!!! ❤️ Crowley is a gay disaster and Aziraphale is oblivious as always. For this fic I searched "how to get your partner to have sex with you" and now that's in my search history, hahaha. Hope you all enjoyed!! If you did please make my day by leaving a comment! They mean the world to me and I reply to every single one! ❤️


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